Narrative

Human beings have long been extremely social creatures, harboring the ability to communicate amongst one another like no other organism on Earth.  Our ability to bond as we do initially developed as a means of survival centuries ago, and in the modern world, it is the very same subconscious, internal way of thinking that pushes each and every single one of us to seek allies (friends).  With that said, when we don’t have friends, we often feel like outcasts to something greater than us. It is very human to go through this process and have this mentality. Something that most people do not go through; however, is being born with this very feeling of being an outsider – and that is where my story comes in.

While my mother was pregnant with me she suffered severe preeclampsia and high blood pressure, and thus the doctors made the decision to induce me.  Once I was born, my mother and father did not get the chance to hold me or even touch me. The doctors pulled me out and immediately rushed me to an incubator, and thus began my life – in the embrace of machinery as opposed to the loving arms of my parents.  I was two months premature, and had several disorders of the stomach along with extreme sensory issues. Any light too bright or any sound too loud would trigger a fit of hysteria, and the only way I would stop throwing a tantrum was if someone squeezed me extremely tight.  

At the time, my mother and father were first time parents, and thus it took some time for them to realize something beyond simple sensory issues was wrong with me.  There was a huge disconnect between myself and the world – I always had a glassy look in my eyes and I never looked directly at someone even as they spoke to me.  

Years later, my distressed mother finally decided it was time to seek professional help.  She had me evaluated by multiple therapists, and they came to the conclusion that I would need to take therapy classes every single week.  Perhaps the most significant conclusion they drew was the fact that I would also have to be placed in a special-ed classroom upon beginning school.

So yes, I was a special needs student in a special needs classroom – that is how my education began, and that is how it was for years.  By the time I reached elementary school, was being pulled out of the classroom every other day by the school therapist. I was one of very few students who received this extra help, and this was the point in my life when the concept of the outsider really hit home.  I was clearly different from others – both in my mentality and my physical mannerisms. Socially, I was extremely awkward, and could barely hold a conversation with a student my age. Kids would ask me all day long why I had to be pulled out of the classroom, and my self-conscious self never wanted to give a direct answer.  I vividly recall the wave of embarrassment that would fall over me everytime the therapist came to my classroom to pick me up for our session. I would always try to get to the door quickly so that the twenty pairs of eyes on me could stare no longer.  

In all honesty, I loved the therapy that I was receiving, as it gave me an outlet through which I could escape social anxiety.  I would draw and color the time away, all while speaking to the therapist who really seemed to care about me. It was moments like these that strengthened me and made me feel less like an outsider.  The therapist was my friend – someone I could relate to wholeheartedly even though she was three or four times my age. It was this treatment that I received, along with extreme love from the major support system I had at home that quite literally transformed me.     

As the saying goes, time heals all wounds.  By the third grade, after having received services for years, I no longer required them whatsoever.  My confidence as a student and even as a kid in general increased tenfold because of the help that I received.  I no longer felt like an outsider everyday of my life, and thus I was able to more easily interact with my peers and excel in my education.  Different aspects of my life simply seemed to fix themselves, and everything kind of just fell into place. As a result of being able to hold both basic and complex conversations with people, I was able to gain study partners and increase my grades.  As a result of increasing those numbers on my report card, I felt happier with myself and grew confident in walking through the school halls. Looking back on my experience, I have realized that even in the most extreme cases, someone who feels as though they are an outsider can always be brought back to a stable mentality.  The truth is that as long as you are surrounded by people who care for you and your health, you can truly conquer the world.  

Everyone feels like an outsider at some point or another – it is something very human.  Confidence is key when dealing with such a situation as such, as is falling back on the people who love you the most.  I owe a great deal to my success as a student and as a person in general to my parents – the people who have been fighting since my premature birth to make me feel like less of an outsider.  I will not lie and say that today I have no moments of self doubt – in actuality this couldn’t be further from the truth. Every time I enter a new environment I have those small moments of self-doubt, and my aforementioned experiences from years ago seem to bring back the lack of confidence that once haunted me.  Every time this occurs; however, I feel myself grow stronger and more resilient. Humans simply function through adaptation, and that is why the best decision is to sometimes throw yourself into the most uncomfortable situations. I believe the biggest piece of advice that I could give is to teach yourself to be confident, but also never forget to fall back on those who love you the most.